Monday, July 16, 2012

Thoughts on Pregnancy

I meant to do more writing here throughout my pregnancy.  Only it didn't happen.  Part of the reason for that is that pregnancy turned out to be much more of an internal process/journey than I had anticipated.  Balancing that with a job that takes a lot of external energy didn't leave me with a lot if any extra energy to do things like visit with friends, write here, etc.

However, I have now been off of work for a week and so feel that I have the space to do some of that writing that I've been wanting to do.

I know that this first observation is true about life itself, but being pregnant made it much more apparent - most people experience your life through theirs.  Your pregnancy serves as a conduit for someone else to tell you their story.

I think that a big part of pregnancy is being able unattach (which apparently is not a dictionary recognized word) yourself from ways of being, from concepts of self and opening yourself up to the unknown - both the unknown of parenthood, but also the unknown of self.  It's about accepting that a huge transformation is about to take place, but that you have no idea what that transformation is or will be.

And, I have been reminded since I started "waiting" for this little girl to decide she is ready to be born that our brains are not always very useful in life.  Despite my best efforts to just be present with what is happening, I find my brain taking over and creating scenarios and expectations.  Maybe with the full moon, maybe after this next acupuncture appointment, maybe with the upcoming new moon.....  These scenarios create stress and pressure, and they distance me from my intuition, from my ability to be present.  And the reality is if I'm going to "know" anything about what she is doing in there, it certainly isn't going to come from my brain.